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In a stunning turn of events that has left the nation both bewildered and bemused, Congress has unanimously passed a tax hike bill that promises to "fundamentally transform" the American way of life. The bill, dubbed the "Every American's Equal Contribution Act" (EAECA), is set to increase taxes across the board, with the promise of "ensuring a fair share for all."

Sources close to the matter have leaked that the real motivation behind this fiscal tightening is far more sinister than initially advertised. Insiders claim that the bill's architects, a shadowy cabal known as the "Bipartisan Brotherhood," have devised a plan to control the populace through financial means.

The EAECA, it seems, is not just a tax hike. It's a social engineering project. The Brotherhood's master plan includes the introduction of a new currency, the "American Unity Dollar," which will be backed not by gold or silver, but by "the collective will of the people." To ensure compliance, citizens will be required to perform weekly "community service" in exchange for their Unity Dollars. These services range from "public art appreciation" to "civic debate moderation."

Moreover, the bill mandates that all future legislation must be passed unanimously by both the House and the Senate, effectively dissolving the partisan divide and ushering in an era of "harmonious governance." Critics argue that this could lead to a legislative gridlock of epic proportions, as the Brotherhood's influence grows and the lines between government and civilian life blur.

The EAECA also includes a provision for a new federal agency, the "Department of National Cohesion," tasked with monitoring and promoting "positive social interactions" among Americans. This agency will have the power to dictate everything from the content of social media posts to the themes of Hollywood movies, ensuring that the national discourse remains "unified and constructive."

As the nation braces for the impact of the EAECA, many are left wondering if this is truly the beginning of a more equitable society, or if it's the first step towards a dystopian future where freedom of choice and individuality are but distant memories. One thing is certain: the American way of life will never be the same again.

In related news, a group of intrepid journalists, known only as the "Merry Pranksters of the Press," have begun a satirical campaign to expose the truth behind the EAECA. Their motto? "Laugh now, but tomorrow we may all be singing in a choir."

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This article was automagically written, and intended only for entertainment purposes.